I wonder just where you are

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All my life I've been searchin'
All my life I've been uncertain
I been abandoned and left alone
At fifteen I had to leave home
The black sheep, the bad seed

At a roadside bar in Tennessee
I met an angel to rescue me
She rescued me
She wore blue jeans and a rosary
Believed in God and believed in me
All her friends think she's a little crazy
She wears a smile, heart on her sleeve
Don't give a damn what the world thinks of me
She tells me it's all good
She's happy with a bad seed
Happy to be misunderstood

Two packs and a pint a day
To hide the shame
And wash away the pain
Aww the pain
Every road was a dead-end street
Runnin' from the law
And runnin' on empty
You couldn't shake the marks that were left on me

At a roadside bar in Tennessee
I met an angel to rescue me
She rescued me

She wore blue jeans and a rosary
Believed in God and believed in me
All her friends think she's a little crazy
She wears a smile, heart on her sleeve
Don't give a damn what the world thinks of me
She tells me it's all good
She's happy with a bad seed
Happy to be misunderstood

[Repeat]

Misunderstood
Misunderstood

<sub>I haven't heard from Georgie in almost a month (I think), and Vany, out of nowhere, texts me and says that he's probably going to Hawaii with Megan (some model friend of hers) and that they're leaving tonight, if he goes.



Babii: Hi it vany...
Penguin Girl: hey Vany
Penguin Girl: hows everything? how come noones been on in forever?/
Babii: Do you remember the girl i was talking to you about?
Penguin Girl: Which one?
Babii: The last one
Penguin Girl: ... yeah, what abou her?
Babii: Whats her name?
Penguin Girl: not megan .. umm ... fuck i dont remember her name
Penguin Girl: Please, what happened?
Babii: Yea it was megan she took him away theyre in hawaii
Penguin Girl: Why? Why'd they go?
Penguin Girl: When did they leave?
Babii: To hang out but she going to make a move on him and lo8er her more then anyone but you
Babii: Today
Penguin Girl: Are they coming back? How long? Vany, don't skip anything, what the hell is going on here.
Babii: I just god dam told u
Penguin Girl: I'm not mad, don't do that.  I just wanted to make sure you tell me everything .. bbut why'd he go?
Babii: Oh and good job not calling his house
Penguin Girl: I thought his parents fouhd out!
Penguin Girl: I debated it, and he said his parents would kill him if they found out, so I didn't know what to do ..
Babii: Who cares
Penguin Girl: I didn't want to get him into anymore trouble than I already had, so yes, I'm guilty again
Penguin Girl: I do!
Babii: Well i dont know anymore maybe he didnt go if you get luky
Penguin Girl: I really hope he didn't ..
Penguin Girl: When are they coming back
Penguin Girl: Did she say, do you know?
Babii: No
Penguin Girl: So they leave tonight.  By themselves?
Babii: Mhm
Penguin Girl: When does he have holidays? or did he already start?
Penguin Girl: Look, you tell him - as soon as you talk him - that ... that i'm still around. i have alot to say and i just cant say it here.
Penguin Girl: if your my friend, you'll tell him that
Babii: Christmas?
Penguin Girl: Yeah winter holidays
Penguin Girl: Tell him that i love him.


Babii: Like in 2-4 weeks  and he not doing anything against you. all he does is mope around because he hasnt talked to you for a while
Penguin Girl: Join the club, i thought something had happened to him
Penguin Girl: it's depressing without him.  no, not depressing -- Hell


Penguin Girl: Tell me hes not going ..











That's our conversation, on his cell phone.

I don't know how to feel right now.
I was scared, upset, mad, depressed, sad, worried, stressed outta my fucking mind, and out of nowhere I get this.
And I get blamed for not calling him.

We didn't even talk on our last two anniversaries, and one of them was my birthday ...

I will <u>not</u> lose him. Even if ... even if they do go together. I can't believe he still loves me .. I thought I'd lost him forever ... For the millionth time ...

What are you afraid of?

I have a few fears in life:

Firstly, I have a very big fear of spiders. I don't care how big or small or whatever they are, they just have way too many legs. Have you ever watched a spider walk? How it walks almost gracefully, but in a creepy sort of way? Ugh, I hate it so much. And the really hairy ones are even creepier. The bigger and hairier they are, the more I hate them.

Secondly, I hate needles. Now, this one I can't figure out why I am so scared of them, because I have had a tattoo done only a few months ago. And yet, I don't have my ears pierced, and when we have to get shots at school, I freak out. I guess if I don't see them going into me I'm alright. I couldn't see the needle when I had my tat done, but when I get one in the arm, or just imagining one going into my ear, I just shudder and move onto my next happy thought.

Thirdly, I have a fear of water. No, I don't run from bottled water thrown at me, and I'm not constantly dehydrated. I don't like swimming in it, or being in a boat that's far out into the water, especially if it's a lake or the ocean. I just don't feel safe only have a board of wood between me and God knows how many leagues of water beneath me. Even large boats, like a yacht or a cruise liner kind of scare me. Even though, for example, a cruise liner has many levels and safety precautions and whatnot, I'll picture the boat pulling a Titanic and we're all screwed. I also can't swim, so that adds on. 

Fourthly, the dark. A common and wellspread fear, but still scary all the same. There's something about lying in the dark with, in my case, a large clsoet door in front of you that always looks like something's about to open it.

OK, so here's what happened yesterday:

I was sitting on the PC, huge surprise, and I see that Sammy's on. I haven't talked to her in ages, so I'm like "Hi, how's it going?" And she says hi, and then all of a sudden I hear this story that Georgie's in the hospital, and he was shot again trying to protect I forget who, and the bullet had had a poison coat on it, something chloride, and that the doctors said he had about a 2% chance of making it through the night. So for the next two hours, I am scared shitless, crying my eyes out, and so fucked up. She's telling me all this stuff, and I have no idea what to do, so I call Amy because I didn't know what else to do. So I get a hold of her, and she's just about to go out, but she says come up to the house anyways, so I can be myself there. So I tell Sammy my cell number, just in case, and leave a message with everyone who's online saying to pray for him. Then I walk up to her house, and sit up there for awhile, waiting to here something from anyone. I had the MSN on, and I had my cell on in case they called me. Then I decided to call his cell, to see if he would answer it himself. The first four times I tried, all I got was the answering machine, and I was so upset I just left a message on there saying that I needed to talk to him, and I was crying and shit. So I sat at Amy's place, feeling like my world was crashing around me, and I tried calling again. This time it rings, and he picks it up. I almost fucking pass out right there in her living room, so I make my way outside to sit on the frontsteps, and I feel like I'm going to cry because he tells me he's alright, and that he was on his way to the hospital: to see his brother! I was so relieved to hear that he was perfectly fine, and that I was going to talk to him on Tuesday so I could explain what was going on, and he tells me what the hell is happening. And then we got off the phone, and that's when it hit me. Someone is fucking around with my mind. Badly. On one hand, I was so happy that he was alright, and abit concerned for his brother 'cause he's a great guy but not doing so well. On the other hand, I am pissed the fuck off because someone just set me up to fall and fuck me over big time. I don't like fucking mind games, and the worst one to play is with him in it. You don't just turn on a PC and decide to crush someone's world in a matter of seconds. So, after I hung up with him, I ran the treadmill for about twenty minutes, and did a small workout to see if I could calm myself down abit. It's not safe for anyone, including myself, if I am angry like that. It's just not done. So I did that, and cleaned myself up before going home. Currently, I am writing a letter to him for our anniversary on Tuesday, and at the same time wondering how the hell I am going to get down there A.S.A.P. Some asshole is fucking with me, and I will not put up with it. I've been played before, so this ground isn't new to me, but when it comes to him - Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me.

[/rant]

Hi, I'm Ashley.
I'm not so sure what to write here, at the moment. But I know what I'm going to write tomorrow.
Isn't that odd?
Well, I am an unusual person, not to brag or anything. I'm sure there are people more unusual than I am, but that's alright.
Anyways, I like to write about alot of random stuff, if you will. One day I might talk about how emotional pain blocks health, or how dinosaurs used to rule the world. Stuff like that. I'm sure no one really cares about stuff like that, but that's alright. I only write usually just to vent emotions, or to talk about something I have an opinion on. 

Anyways, I'll write more tomorrow when I have abit more freedom on here. It's good to be back on LJ.

Ciao ~

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